It is so weird....

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see Brazil.  Its so weird.  I find myself thinking so much about Brazil lately.  Most likely because I just got home and therefore it is on the top of my mind a lot.  Its also on the top of my laundry pile, but whatever! 

Really though, I can't begin to explain how beautiful my time in Brazil was... the beauty that is that place and the people who live there.  I can't begin to put into words the gift it was to have amazing opportunities to sit and talk and share my heart with Vanessa and Dewey and Chad and Laurie and so many others.  I was so blessed this trip to get to really spend time with people who I have dearly missed that I haven't had as much time to visit with in past trips. 

Yesterday I walked in to my bedroom and I could SMELL Brazil.  It was so weird.  I stood in front of the window on my last night in Brazil and just BREATHED.  It sounds weird, and if you have spent any time there, you also know it doesn't ALWAYS smell very nice... but it did right then.  Nothing spectacular or special... just the SMELL of Brazil.  I breathed it in so deeply.  I am so thankful.  I've thought so much about BREATHING deeply lately, really treasuring the beauty of life.  Walking into the shambles that is my room right now, I smelled Brazil and it was AMAZING.  Given, it was likely because my duffles are still sitting there and they are full of some unwashed clothes.  But how amazing it is to be suddenly reminded of the beauty of Brazil and in that instant also reminded of the amazing gift of friendship.

I wish I could express to those lovelies the beauty their friendship is in my life.  I can't, but I wish I could.
Maybe I'm just weird.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see Antigua and those beautiful little kiddies in Hermano Pedro.  Its so weird.  I haven't been there in 2 years.  Two very long years.  Yet I can see Brenda and all her friends in their beds and I wish I could be there to love them and hug them.  Maybe I can't hug them all, but certainly I could hug those little ones.

I can sometimes picture myself walking through Antigua and falling in love with Guatemala and FREAKING OUT because that might mean I wouldn't love Brazil as much.  Yet fall in love with it I did.  And even though I haven't been back, I still see myself there.  I'm weird.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see Barahona and the beautiful sunset from the top of the guest house.  Its so weird.  It could be because in just a few short days I WILL be watching the sunset from there... sharing the beauty and heartbreak that is that place with my lovely youthies.  Yet I haven't been there in almost 2 years either... but I can still see myself there.  It's so weird.  I love all that Barahona and the Dominican Republic mean in my heart.  I love the possibility of there and the things that I can't wait to share with my kids.  I love that in that place, even though I can't fix the whole world, I can help to put some cement in a house and maybe fix a small part of someone's world.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see a crazy dog that lives at my house and growls at me when I try to get out of bed (that's my excuse for not getting up on time EVER and I'm stickin with it.)  Its so weird.  I love home and my dogs and usually my family.  I love the holidays and the chance to just be inside where it is warm and gluttonously (is that a word?) eat and remember the beauty of home, even though I don't stay there very often.  I am so blessed... and weird, let's just be honest.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see mountains stretching out before me.  It's so weird.  I have this burning desire ALWAYS within me to hike over mountains and sleep in tents and just BE.  I want so badly that simplicity... but I know that the world is complicated and hard and to just BE isn't always possible.  But that's what I want more than anything.  I want to spend some time just BEING so that I can give more fully to others.  A break, if you will. But, I may have mentioned... I'm weird.

I spent time in Brazil talking with an amazing friend.  He's someone that I value much more than he is probably aware of.  He is someone that I miss so much more than he knows because even when he doesn't know it he is always challenging me to BE bigger... to BE better... to LIVE.  He probably doesn't know that... because I'm weird and can't put things like that into accurate descriptive phrases, but its TRUE.  We were driving one night at the beach and he told me that I can't fix EVERYTHING that is wrong in the world, and I told him that I know that, but that I Really, really, really want to TRY... and he just smiled.  In his head he was probably remembering that I am WEIRD... but I like to imagine he was thinking... if anybody would believe they could, I would.  Because see, that makes it mean more, that someone else agrees.  See... I have conversations with my head.  BECAUSE I AM WEIRD!

My life is so many collages of things and people and places.  SO many blessings fill my head on a daily basis.  So many things I have done and people I have met... and so many places and people yet to encounter.  SO many crazy dreams and plans.  SO very much to do.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see the future... and its both scary and bright.  I am blessed.

i don't wanna go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As my time in Brazil winds down i am dreading more and more the trip home.  Not the plane flight or cranky holiday travelers.  Not the long overnight or the extreme exhaustion.  Not the lack of sun or warm weather back in Ohio... but leaving this place.

This trip more than any other I have forgotten that I don't actually LIVE here.  I don't actually belong here.  In so many ways I have lived this trip (except for afternoons in the hammock) like this is my home.  So odd.  It's so odd that its not home,but it feels like it is.  It's so odd that I don't belong here, but feel 100% like I do.  So odd.

So, tomorrow I guess I will head home.  Again.  To the land of snow and cold temps.  I will return warm, tanned, and rested *plus sporting some extra Brazil pounds from the mass quantities of food I've consumed*, but also more peaceful, and more confused.

How I love Brazil.  When I tell people that if God called me back I would come, I'm not kidding at all.  I'm not sure I am ready to move back, to give up some of the things that I still hope for, but I would do it in a heartbeat if I knew I was supposed to be here.

I love Brazil.  I'll miss it so very much.  I can't believe I have to go home.  Dumb job... why do I have to have one of those?! ?!!!

But I love Ohio too.  I can't wait to hug my fam and see the pups and mess with the youth.  I love my job and my home and my life.  I love the gifts God has given me and the places he has led me to.

What a blessing.  To know that if I stay in Ohio or come back here, if I live in Idaho or China or anywhere in between that God has blessed and led and I have followed... that is all I seek.  I am so richly blessed to have two amazing homes, in two very different places, with very different people.  Two places that I love and cherish.  I will miss Brazil so very much.  I am so sad to see it be over... but I know it is always here and I will live thankful for the time I have been given.

I am blessed!!!

34... how did that happen?!

Whoa.  Today is my 34th birthday.  HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Birthdays don't scare me or embarass me or bother me or anything... its just that sometimes I can't believe how quickly the years have gone and how much older I have gotten.

The above picture is from a recent campout at Indian Lake with some lovely girls that I spend time with talking, reading, praying, and seeking God.  And laughing.  So very much laughing.  They are amazing.  A year ago I only knew one of them (Abby- in the red) and I really only knew her marginally, from camp.  CRAZY.  These girls are such a great part of my life that I can't imagine I didn't know them a year ago... what did I do without them?!  So in honor of these lovely ladies, I thought I would write a little "I appreciate, I miss" list in honor of my birthday, another year of living this amazing and blessed life!

SO, I appreciate:
1.  Friends- I have amazing friends that I certainly don't deserve who love me in spite of my ridiculous tendency to be late, uncommunicative, busy, and unable to find my phone.  I love them because they inspire, challenge, encourage, and amuse me.  They don't judge me by the fact that even though I am 34 I act like I am 12, I am easily distracted, I forget to reply to e-mails, and I constantly tempt them with sweet treats.  I love my friends.  I love them more every day.  I wish I could convey to them how very important they are to me... but since i can't I will just say I appreciate them.

2.  Family- I have a ridiculous family.  Seriously.  They often annoy the be-jeezus out of me.  Sometimes I can't stand to be in the same room with them.  But really, I love them.  I love their ridiculousness, I love their babies (which I know are my family too, but I'm just sayin).  I love that they let me feed their children sugar, tell them white lies, and generally serve as their crazy aunt.  I love that my parents don't even mind a bit that I am just me, and don't expect me to be anyone else.  I love that my siblings and I are so very different and yet they allow me to be me (not without some judgements) with the craziness associated with it.

3.  My youth-  I have never encountered a group of people that I worry so much about.  NOt because they are going to do bad things (most of the time) but because they are INSANE and want to do things like make zombie movies in church- and are DEAD SERIOUS about gettin it done.  I love those kids.  Man, they are RIDICULOUS.  But I appreciate them and their willingness to stretch and see where God may lead us.

4.  Traveling-  I've gotten to travel so much this year and I have appreciated it so much.  So very many people that I have gotten to spend time with and enjoy the company of.  And as the clock ticks towards my inpending trips to Nashville, Brazil, and the Dominican Republic I appreciate my freedom to travel and the fact that I live a life that affords me such joys.

5.  My dogs.  Seriously.  I'm a dog lover.  Nellie and Shea are my loves.  If I could get one more pup (its always just one more) I would have a Hugo and feel complete.  Bur really I appreciate those pups and their unconditional love more than I can express.

6.  My life- I am so blessed.  Beyond measure or reason really.  No one should get to live THIS amazing of a life.  I am SO. BLESSED.

I miss...
1.  My friends in Brazil and other far off places.  Like Indiana.  Seriously.  What a blessing it is to have such amazing friends.  Now, if you could all just move into my basement so I can see you every day that would be great.  HOpe you like dogs!  =)  Seriously though.  I miss them for the things they taught me, the life they encourage me to live and the unconditional love they surround me with.  Blessings.

2.  When I cared.  I used to care about things like cute shoes and brushing my hair.  Now I really don't.  I don't think that is a bad thing at all... it kinda fits my free spirit a little better anyway, but I do miss that Carly that was more put together... gahhhh.  I'm a mess!

3.  My sanity and sleep.  Two things I have given up in favor of living this crazy life.  I wouldn't trade one for the other, I just miss sanity.

4.  My brown hair... or red... or blonde... whatever color it was before it started going so gray.  Seriously.

5.  The good old days.  But then, who doesn't?!

WHat an amazing and blessed life I live.  Really truly.  I am so thankful for 34 years and can't wait to see what the next 34 have in store.  AHHHHHHHH!

It's 3:00 on Monday afternoon.  Outside it is rainy and chilly, but I can't see that because I don't have a window in my office... (ho hum, poor me!).  No one else is in the office and it is quite and peaceful.  I don't know where everyone else is... that used to bother me a lot.  Why do I have to work when they don't?!  But now I'm good with it.  Good with quiet and peace and getting things done (or not!).  I'm good with it.

Today I get to sit at my desk and eat my EasyMac (gross and good all at once!)... and think... and be peaceful.  I had such a long strange weekend.  From coffee and dinner with wonderful friends on Friday night to a long, wet, cold day in the trees at the Challenge Course on Saturday to a long day of church and meetings and dinner and FaithWeavers on Sunday... I am blessed, but its also good to be quiet.

So, I will sit and enjoy my mac n cheese... I will proofread more curriculum... I will probably watch the Amazing Race on my laptop... and eventually I will wander home to hug my dogs and proofread some more.

So many things and adventures and possibilities and stresses and travels and overwhelming things and blessings all loom on the horizon... yet here I am...today, enjoying this quiet office (if the phone would stop ringing!)... and remembering that I am blessed and loved and today, there is peace... no matter what tomorrow brings.

This weekend Abby and I, along with Aaron and Derick traveled to Rochester, NY for the wedding of our great friends from camp Anna and Elliot.  Seriously.  It was the oddest weekend of my entire life. 

First, we went to Canada... you know, as you do.  It was just at Niagara Falls, but still.  I have been to RUSSIA and I have never been to Canada. 

Oh Canada...

there is a reason that is their national anthem... I'm just sayin, it was an odd day. 

(Although shout out to the parking attendant who let us know where we could find parking for FREE instead of paying $18... she ROCKS.)  We looked at the waterfalls, we ate, we walked and walked, we saw fireworks over the falls... then we had an odd discussion with a border patrol guy... then I almost threw up (unrelated to the border patrol), then we went to Rochester. 

It was nearly midnight when we got there.  We thought the ridiculousness had ended, but no... there was a crazy scene at the hotel with the National Barbershop Quartet Competition... no, seriously.  It was so odd.

Saturday involved Target, ihop, Starbucks, High Falls, and Lake Ontario... oh, and a wedding!  (Amazing worship at that wedding... AMAZING.).  Then it was on to the reception where Abby and I proved that we should probably not be let out in public too often... =)

Sunday we had breakfast with a dear friend and then returned to Ohio.

A weekend of celebration, love, oddness, little sleep, and now... lingering illness for all involved.  I want to call it a hangover cold, because we all got colds because we were all together,... but that doesn't sound quite right... so, none the less.

YAY for Anna and Elliot.

YAY for Rochester.

BOO for sickness!  =)

Summer is over... fall is coming (although it doesn't feel like it yet).

Abby and I have gotten into the most random habit this summer. We have begun to take pictures of our flip flops and coffee mugs.  We are so random.. and yet these photos mean something much deeper to me than what I imagine she knows.

Some see the lake in the morning with random things on the beach.

I see something completely else...

I see the beauty of friendship that is easy and fun, but also deep and meaningful.

I see adventures and excitement, but also journeys to the hard places.

I see the simplicity of coffee in the morning with a friend, waking up to the amazing possibility of what the day may hold.

I see the edge of the lake (or occasionally the ocean) and the true blessing of friends who will walk with you to the edge and hold your hand while you take the next, scary, unknown step.

My friendship with Abbs is a blessing to me and a challenge as well. 

Beyond her I am blessed with other amazing friends and family and co-workers and youth who challenge me in the same ways and grow in me a desire to live a much bigger and more meaningful life... all the while being true to my calling to be exactly who I am.  I am so undeserving and grateful all at once!

I am here.  I am blessed.  I am EXHAUSTED from my summer.

Recap coming soon!!

I love Summer.  Summer is ridiculous and unpredicatble and lazy and beautiful.

Summer is full of friends and adventures and warm nights around the campfire.

My summer is almost always full of travels, sleeping bags, and crazy experiences.

I love me some summer.

Soon I have much to say about the past 7 weeks... and the weeks still to come. 

For today... a family pic... minus my older sister, when we went to Chris's graduation from his residency in South Carolina.

Yup.  I wore a dress AND brushed my hair.  Miracles happen, even in summer.

More to come...

don't you worry about me over here....

Sometimes it amazes me how quickly time passes....

the past few days/week have been FREAKIN INSANE... so much happening... so much to do.

However... I have been committed to seeing the beauty in these days, these days that are not forever, but for now... and they have been INSANE, but beautiful...

Thursday night we had the MOST AMAZING SUNSET from the backyard.  It had been a long day with my mother... whom I love dearly.  We had one of our classic Carly and Carol adventures in the Saturn, where nothing happens as predicted and yet I still manage to consume large quantities of Diet Coke.

Oh.  and frappes.  Free ones thank you very much.

Saturday morning found me at camp for Challenge Day... where after I got done belaying all morning I harassed Heidi on her platform.  We took lovely shots of stepping on people's heads.  Here I stepped on John.  This made me laugh.  It did not make him laugh. 

This happens to me a lot.  I do things that make me laugh and no one else laughs.  For a minute or so I think maybe its me, but in the end... who cares... a good laugh is always good for the soul.

But when I stopped acting dumb and sat down on my platform to wait for kids to make it to me, I remembered how very very much I do love my days in the trees... and how truly blessed I am.

Don't worry about me over here... I'm just trying not to act my age!

On Sunday morning, I woke up at 4:45 AM.  That is ABSURD, just to clarify.  Dawn and I headed into downtown Cincinnati in the POURING RAIN and thunderstorms.  You know, because I love to exercise so much to start with.

At that point it was 5:45 AM, I was in a poncho, I was wearing borrowed socks... and let me tell you... I was just THRILLED to be awake, much less getting ready to propel my body 13.1 miles... THRILLED.

By the time the race started the power had flickered out a couple of times and my feet were SOAKING WET... but hey, runners are crazy people and they shot that gun off anyway.  Something like 13,000 folks headed out for the marathon and half marathon.

Me?  I am an official half marathoner.  I MIGHT do it again, its too early to tell.  I didn't run nearly as much of it as I had intended... but I did finish and never dropped below a 16 minute mile... even threw a couple high 13s in.  Not Olympic pace... but it was good for me, the non-exerciser of the family.

Dawn finished a couple minutes later. 

I can honestly say it was likely one of the greatest testaments to my will power EVER.  I wantes SO badly to quit... it was painful... it was LONG (seriously, do you KNOW how far 13 miles is?  FAR!!)...and it POURED down rain nearly the entire time.  HOwever, I didn't quit.  Jimmy Buffet and I finished strong.

Don't you worry about me over here... I'm just in a continual pattern of weirdness.

Monday morning brought the news that someone was going to be making an appearance about a week before schedule...

My sister had her second child, Abigayle Leeann on Monday.  Quite a cute one.  I have gotten to spend the week with Nickolas at his house... also quite the cute one... if you don't mind the weirdness and the fact that he kicks me in the head every night at 3 am.

Don't you worry about me over here... I'm remembering why I don't have children every morning! (well, maybe why I don't have children YET)

Wednesday, well, Wednesday Dad and I went back to Cinci so that we could watch the Mets lose to the Reds.  I say that with all sincerity.  I don't think the Mets have ever won when my dad has watched them live.  However, he says that's what its like to be a lifelong Mets fan... learning to live with disappointment!

This is #5 David Wright.  He hit a homer.  I can tell you that even though I am a marginal Mets fan and this was exciting... even I knew they wouldn't pull out a win... I mean... its the METS!

Don't worry... I'm not a baseball fan, but I do an enjoy an afternoon in the sun at the ballpark!

Just another week. I'm getting worn out...

perhaps another vacation is in order!

So, yeah.  I went on vacation last week. 

I went to Little Talbot Island in Florida... on the north side of Jacksonville. 

After staying there a whole week I came to realize it is actually considered to be in the city limits of Jacksonville, but whatever! 

Anyhoo. 

It was a much needed break, full of absolutely no pressure... no cell phone service, no tv, no internet access.  I sat on the beach day after day... pretty much alone.  I read 4 books.  I ate kinda healthy (I'm a girl with a Dairy Queen addiction, I won't say I didn't indulge!).  I walked a mile to the beach every day and a mile back.  I slept in a tent, cooked on a fire, and breathed fresh air.  I got a great tan, got eaten by tons of bugs, and lived in my beach dress 24/7.  I wore flip flops every day, hardly brushed my hair, and never set my alarm.

Glorious.

I resolved a few things... 

I resolved to not take so long to go on vacation next time.

I resolved that cell phone free life needs to happen more often.

I resolved that the world (and ministry) can actually happen without me being here

and its ok for me to take a break.

I resolved to trust people more.

I resolved to buy a new camera (ugh my camera stinks!),

eat less junk (that lasted all the way to the Georgia border, at Whataburger),

and to breathe more clean air.

I resolved to not let life feel like this anymore:

I don't need to be that little guy trying to outrun those ever growing waves.  I need to "evacuate" and stop and appreciate life more often and when things get overwhelming I need to keep them in perspective.

But I also need to remember that sometimes sitting where life is beautiful and amazing and there is a great view means sitting in dangerous spots.

The beautiful life isn't always the safest one.

The easy path isn't always the one that leads to peace.

The comfortable life isn't the one that makes the most sense.

I want to be free. 

I want to appreciate the beauty AND the struggle of things that I face every day.

I want to continue to love and to live.

And in that mix I want to learn to run to higher ground when things get threatening.  I want to remember where my higher ground is and where I can go to rest, be safe, and be still.

The waves aren't getting smaller... but the beach also isn't getting less beautiful. 

I have so much to be thankful for... the struggle AND the beauty. 

I want to live a thankful life.

dreaming

it's 35 degrees and gray and gross. some snow on the ground... mostly just mud. ugh. i hate ohio weather!!

today I am dreaming... of sleeping in my tent on the beach, wearing flip flops for days on end, cooking over my campfire, and pretty much doing nothing but work on my tan.

spring break campout in Florida?
yes please!

Fear

I've been thinking a lot lately... about a variety of things... and yup, its painful! Anyhoo...

I've been thinking about the ridiculousness of the fact that I am supposed to run a 1/2 marathon in May. I fell last week on the ice in the church parking lot and can hardly walk right. Plus, I am SO lazy and find it impossible to get up in the morning and run. Seriously. This is going to be a problem. I am determined to do it because I said I was going to... but really...

I have also been thinking about something else. Going to visit Brazil. Its a toughie. I love Brazil, I really really really want to go. But last year I was there. I told everyone I was coming home and leaving my job. I was so unhappy. I really thought I was going to "get up the nerve" and do it.... but here I am.... almost 9 months later... still here.

I have been thinking about this mostly because the truth is... I am a bit embarassed that I told people one thing and did another. And yet, truthfully... I have so much peace about it. It took me a long time... 7 or 8 months to get to where I am. At first I didn't do it because financially I wasn't sure how things would work. Then so much happened with the kids that I didn't do it. Then things were in transition with Kim leaving so I stayed. Suddenly it was going to be Christmas so I stayed. Then I was going to hike the AT and I wad going to do it... Then I went to Chrysalis.

Man, Chrysalis messes with me. I mean, I know its not Chrysalis, its definitely a GOD thing... but somehow in that place God really gets a hold of me. It happened again this time. I really didn't think it would be a "big impact" weekend because being a log doesn't really lend itself to time to sit and contemplate... and yet it hit me like a 2x4.... or maybe a 5x10 (do those even exist?!)....

I've been so afraid. So afraid that things wouldn't work out. SO afraid that God would call me to do things I was uncomfortable with. So afraid that continuing to stay meant I was losing some sense of freedom and ability to run away. So afraid that I was stuck and hopeless and unhappy. I have been so afraid that I am inadequate for the job I have been called to, that I am unqualified and SO very different from the other "youth pastors" that I see. I have been so scared to embrace what I know I am called to. I have been so afraid to stop, be still, and trust that God will show me all that he has for me. I have been so very afraid to believe that God can work through this place to prepare me for what is next, much in the same way he has reworked me before. I have been afraid.

And so... I took my paper heart and I wrote "Fear" and "Dissilusionment" on it and I nailed it on that cross... the same cross I have been nailing things to for years at the end of Day 1. But then... oh but then... as a log I got to go out in the courtyard with 3 amazing women and burn those papers and sing Amazing Grace... and for the first time I knew... I don't want to be afraid anymore... I don't want to be scared of what COULD be. I don't want to be afraid to be still.

And so, even though I have now gone back on what I said I would do... I'm livin with so much more peace, so much more joy, so much more contentment. Trust me, I am still tired. I am still frustrated. I am still annoyed and cranky. And yet, I do have so much peace.

I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what the future holds. I no longer speak of it in terms of plans and decisions that I have made. Whenever I lean towards being afraid, I remember standing in that courtyard, with all the girls watching from the windows.... and hoping they would believe the truth that God would take those things... and knowing that if I ask them to believe it... then I need to to.

Now... about that 1/2 marathon... oh my goodness....

Its a brand new year... and already I am overwhelmed by the number of important decisions I need to make, the amount of details there are to consider, the quantity of patience I need to posess. I am already tired of thinking so hard about things that could change everything.

Some days I wish that the most important decision could be what kind of coffee to order... but I haven't had a day like that in a long time.

People tell me often that it is because I am in need of a vacation... and I haven't taken one in a very, very long time... but my reality is that these decisions and thoughts and details would follow me where I go... and so taking a vacation is really only taking all the "junk" and transporting it to a new place.

SO often I think I have life figured out and I tell people the decisions I have made... only to have them fall through or fall apart... and somewhere in the mix I realize that I really need to stop praying to learn patience!! haha. No, really I learn that this whole thing is both much much bigger and much much smaller than I like to think. It's bigger than my hopes and dreams and plans and goals... and yet it is so much smaller and inconsequential that I can imagine... little puny me... so many struggles.

I am reading Crazy Love right now by Francis Chan. Yes, I realize I am on the tail end of what was a big reading craze, but HEY, I always do things in my own timing! Anyhoo, he talks about how stress and worry are just our ways of inflating our self importance and ceasing to rely on God. Oh Francis, thanks for kicking my butt again... love it... hate it!

Anyhoo. It's MOnday, I'm back in the grind of life after a fairly unmotivated and non-accomplishing holiday break. I need to focus. I need to be warm. I need to make these decisions...

coffee anyone? I could use some guidance!