Fear

I've been thinking a lot lately... about a variety of things... and yup, its painful! Anyhoo...

I've been thinking about the ridiculousness of the fact that I am supposed to run a 1/2 marathon in May. I fell last week on the ice in the church parking lot and can hardly walk right. Plus, I am SO lazy and find it impossible to get up in the morning and run. Seriously. This is going to be a problem. I am determined to do it because I said I was going to... but really...

I have also been thinking about something else. Going to visit Brazil. Its a toughie. I love Brazil, I really really really want to go. But last year I was there. I told everyone I was coming home and leaving my job. I was so unhappy. I really thought I was going to "get up the nerve" and do it.... but here I am.... almost 9 months later... still here.

I have been thinking about this mostly because the truth is... I am a bit embarassed that I told people one thing and did another. And yet, truthfully... I have so much peace about it. It took me a long time... 7 or 8 months to get to where I am. At first I didn't do it because financially I wasn't sure how things would work. Then so much happened with the kids that I didn't do it. Then things were in transition with Kim leaving so I stayed. Suddenly it was going to be Christmas so I stayed. Then I was going to hike the AT and I wad going to do it... Then I went to Chrysalis.

Man, Chrysalis messes with me. I mean, I know its not Chrysalis, its definitely a GOD thing... but somehow in that place God really gets a hold of me. It happened again this time. I really didn't think it would be a "big impact" weekend because being a log doesn't really lend itself to time to sit and contemplate... and yet it hit me like a 2x4.... or maybe a 5x10 (do those even exist?!)....

I've been so afraid. So afraid that things wouldn't work out. SO afraid that God would call me to do things I was uncomfortable with. So afraid that continuing to stay meant I was losing some sense of freedom and ability to run away. So afraid that I was stuck and hopeless and unhappy. I have been so afraid that I am inadequate for the job I have been called to, that I am unqualified and SO very different from the other "youth pastors" that I see. I have been so scared to embrace what I know I am called to. I have been so afraid to stop, be still, and trust that God will show me all that he has for me. I have been so very afraid to believe that God can work through this place to prepare me for what is next, much in the same way he has reworked me before. I have been afraid.

And so... I took my paper heart and I wrote "Fear" and "Dissilusionment" on it and I nailed it on that cross... the same cross I have been nailing things to for years at the end of Day 1. But then... oh but then... as a log I got to go out in the courtyard with 3 amazing women and burn those papers and sing Amazing Grace... and for the first time I knew... I don't want to be afraid anymore... I don't want to be scared of what COULD be. I don't want to be afraid to be still.

And so, even though I have now gone back on what I said I would do... I'm livin with so much more peace, so much more joy, so much more contentment. Trust me, I am still tired. I am still frustrated. I am still annoyed and cranky. And yet, I do have so much peace.

I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what the future holds. I no longer speak of it in terms of plans and decisions that I have made. Whenever I lean towards being afraid, I remember standing in that courtyard, with all the girls watching from the windows.... and hoping they would believe the truth that God would take those things... and knowing that if I ask them to believe it... then I need to to.

Now... about that 1/2 marathon... oh my goodness....