don't you worry about me over here....

Sometimes it amazes me how quickly time passes....

the past few days/week have been FREAKIN INSANE... so much happening... so much to do.

However... I have been committed to seeing the beauty in these days, these days that are not forever, but for now... and they have been INSANE, but beautiful...

Thursday night we had the MOST AMAZING SUNSET from the backyard.  It had been a long day with my mother... whom I love dearly.  We had one of our classic Carly and Carol adventures in the Saturn, where nothing happens as predicted and yet I still manage to consume large quantities of Diet Coke.

Oh.  and frappes.  Free ones thank you very much.

Saturday morning found me at camp for Challenge Day... where after I got done belaying all morning I harassed Heidi on her platform.  We took lovely shots of stepping on people's heads.  Here I stepped on John.  This made me laugh.  It did not make him laugh. 

This happens to me a lot.  I do things that make me laugh and no one else laughs.  For a minute or so I think maybe its me, but in the end... who cares... a good laugh is always good for the soul.

But when I stopped acting dumb and sat down on my platform to wait for kids to make it to me, I remembered how very very much I do love my days in the trees... and how truly blessed I am.

Don't worry about me over here... I'm just trying not to act my age!

On Sunday morning, I woke up at 4:45 AM.  That is ABSURD, just to clarify.  Dawn and I headed into downtown Cincinnati in the POURING RAIN and thunderstorms.  You know, because I love to exercise so much to start with.

At that point it was 5:45 AM, I was in a poncho, I was wearing borrowed socks... and let me tell you... I was just THRILLED to be awake, much less getting ready to propel my body 13.1 miles... THRILLED.

By the time the race started the power had flickered out a couple of times and my feet were SOAKING WET... but hey, runners are crazy people and they shot that gun off anyway.  Something like 13,000 folks headed out for the marathon and half marathon.

Me?  I am an official half marathoner.  I MIGHT do it again, its too early to tell.  I didn't run nearly as much of it as I had intended... but I did finish and never dropped below a 16 minute mile... even threw a couple high 13s in.  Not Olympic pace... but it was good for me, the non-exerciser of the family.

Dawn finished a couple minutes later. 

I can honestly say it was likely one of the greatest testaments to my will power EVER.  I wantes SO badly to quit... it was painful... it was LONG (seriously, do you KNOW how far 13 miles is?  FAR!!)...and it POURED down rain nearly the entire time.  HOwever, I didn't quit.  Jimmy Buffet and I finished strong.

Don't you worry about me over here... I'm just in a continual pattern of weirdness.

Monday morning brought the news that someone was going to be making an appearance about a week before schedule...

My sister had her second child, Abigayle Leeann on Monday.  Quite a cute one.  I have gotten to spend the week with Nickolas at his house... also quite the cute one... if you don't mind the weirdness and the fact that he kicks me in the head every night at 3 am.

Don't you worry about me over here... I'm remembering why I don't have children every morning! (well, maybe why I don't have children YET)

Wednesday, well, Wednesday Dad and I went back to Cinci so that we could watch the Mets lose to the Reds.  I say that with all sincerity.  I don't think the Mets have ever won when my dad has watched them live.  However, he says that's what its like to be a lifelong Mets fan... learning to live with disappointment!

This is #5 David Wright.  He hit a homer.  I can tell you that even though I am a marginal Mets fan and this was exciting... even I knew they wouldn't pull out a win... I mean... its the METS!

Don't worry... I'm not a baseball fan, but I do an enjoy an afternoon in the sun at the ballpark!

Just another week. I'm getting worn out...

perhaps another vacation is in order!

So, yeah.  I went on vacation last week. 

I went to Little Talbot Island in Florida... on the north side of Jacksonville. 

After staying there a whole week I came to realize it is actually considered to be in the city limits of Jacksonville, but whatever! 

Anyhoo. 

It was a much needed break, full of absolutely no pressure... no cell phone service, no tv, no internet access.  I sat on the beach day after day... pretty much alone.  I read 4 books.  I ate kinda healthy (I'm a girl with a Dairy Queen addiction, I won't say I didn't indulge!).  I walked a mile to the beach every day and a mile back.  I slept in a tent, cooked on a fire, and breathed fresh air.  I got a great tan, got eaten by tons of bugs, and lived in my beach dress 24/7.  I wore flip flops every day, hardly brushed my hair, and never set my alarm.

Glorious.

I resolved a few things... 

I resolved to not take so long to go on vacation next time.

I resolved that cell phone free life needs to happen more often.

I resolved that the world (and ministry) can actually happen without me being here

and its ok for me to take a break.

I resolved to trust people more.

I resolved to buy a new camera (ugh my camera stinks!),

eat less junk (that lasted all the way to the Georgia border, at Whataburger),

and to breathe more clean air.

I resolved to not let life feel like this anymore:

I don't need to be that little guy trying to outrun those ever growing waves.  I need to "evacuate" and stop and appreciate life more often and when things get overwhelming I need to keep them in perspective.

But I also need to remember that sometimes sitting where life is beautiful and amazing and there is a great view means sitting in dangerous spots.

The beautiful life isn't always the safest one.

The easy path isn't always the one that leads to peace.

The comfortable life isn't the one that makes the most sense.

I want to be free. 

I want to appreciate the beauty AND the struggle of things that I face every day.

I want to continue to love and to live.

And in that mix I want to learn to run to higher ground when things get threatening.  I want to remember where my higher ground is and where I can go to rest, be safe, and be still.

The waves aren't getting smaller... but the beach also isn't getting less beautiful. 

I have so much to be thankful for... the struggle AND the beauty. 

I want to live a thankful life.

dreaming

it's 35 degrees and gray and gross. some snow on the ground... mostly just mud. ugh. i hate ohio weather!!

today I am dreaming... of sleeping in my tent on the beach, wearing flip flops for days on end, cooking over my campfire, and pretty much doing nothing but work on my tan.

spring break campout in Florida?
yes please!

Fear

I've been thinking a lot lately... about a variety of things... and yup, its painful! Anyhoo...

I've been thinking about the ridiculousness of the fact that I am supposed to run a 1/2 marathon in May. I fell last week on the ice in the church parking lot and can hardly walk right. Plus, I am SO lazy and find it impossible to get up in the morning and run. Seriously. This is going to be a problem. I am determined to do it because I said I was going to... but really...

I have also been thinking about something else. Going to visit Brazil. Its a toughie. I love Brazil, I really really really want to go. But last year I was there. I told everyone I was coming home and leaving my job. I was so unhappy. I really thought I was going to "get up the nerve" and do it.... but here I am.... almost 9 months later... still here.

I have been thinking about this mostly because the truth is... I am a bit embarassed that I told people one thing and did another. And yet, truthfully... I have so much peace about it. It took me a long time... 7 or 8 months to get to where I am. At first I didn't do it because financially I wasn't sure how things would work. Then so much happened with the kids that I didn't do it. Then things were in transition with Kim leaving so I stayed. Suddenly it was going to be Christmas so I stayed. Then I was going to hike the AT and I wad going to do it... Then I went to Chrysalis.

Man, Chrysalis messes with me. I mean, I know its not Chrysalis, its definitely a GOD thing... but somehow in that place God really gets a hold of me. It happened again this time. I really didn't think it would be a "big impact" weekend because being a log doesn't really lend itself to time to sit and contemplate... and yet it hit me like a 2x4.... or maybe a 5x10 (do those even exist?!)....

I've been so afraid. So afraid that things wouldn't work out. SO afraid that God would call me to do things I was uncomfortable with. So afraid that continuing to stay meant I was losing some sense of freedom and ability to run away. So afraid that I was stuck and hopeless and unhappy. I have been so afraid that I am inadequate for the job I have been called to, that I am unqualified and SO very different from the other "youth pastors" that I see. I have been so scared to embrace what I know I am called to. I have been so afraid to stop, be still, and trust that God will show me all that he has for me. I have been so very afraid to believe that God can work through this place to prepare me for what is next, much in the same way he has reworked me before. I have been afraid.

And so... I took my paper heart and I wrote "Fear" and "Dissilusionment" on it and I nailed it on that cross... the same cross I have been nailing things to for years at the end of Day 1. But then... oh but then... as a log I got to go out in the courtyard with 3 amazing women and burn those papers and sing Amazing Grace... and for the first time I knew... I don't want to be afraid anymore... I don't want to be scared of what COULD be. I don't want to be afraid to be still.

And so, even though I have now gone back on what I said I would do... I'm livin with so much more peace, so much more joy, so much more contentment. Trust me, I am still tired. I am still frustrated. I am still annoyed and cranky. And yet, I do have so much peace.

I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what the future holds. I no longer speak of it in terms of plans and decisions that I have made. Whenever I lean towards being afraid, I remember standing in that courtyard, with all the girls watching from the windows.... and hoping they would believe the truth that God would take those things... and knowing that if I ask them to believe it... then I need to to.

Now... about that 1/2 marathon... oh my goodness....

Its a brand new year... and already I am overwhelmed by the number of important decisions I need to make, the amount of details there are to consider, the quantity of patience I need to posess. I am already tired of thinking so hard about things that could change everything.

Some days I wish that the most important decision could be what kind of coffee to order... but I haven't had a day like that in a long time.

People tell me often that it is because I am in need of a vacation... and I haven't taken one in a very, very long time... but my reality is that these decisions and thoughts and details would follow me where I go... and so taking a vacation is really only taking all the "junk" and transporting it to a new place.

SO often I think I have life figured out and I tell people the decisions I have made... only to have them fall through or fall apart... and somewhere in the mix I realize that I really need to stop praying to learn patience!! haha. No, really I learn that this whole thing is both much much bigger and much much smaller than I like to think. It's bigger than my hopes and dreams and plans and goals... and yet it is so much smaller and inconsequential that I can imagine... little puny me... so many struggles.

I am reading Crazy Love right now by Francis Chan. Yes, I realize I am on the tail end of what was a big reading craze, but HEY, I always do things in my own timing! Anyhoo, he talks about how stress and worry are just our ways of inflating our self importance and ceasing to rely on God. Oh Francis, thanks for kicking my butt again... love it... hate it!

Anyhoo. It's MOnday, I'm back in the grind of life after a fairly unmotivated and non-accomplishing holiday break. I need to focus. I need to be warm. I need to make these decisions...

coffee anyone? I could use some guidance!

New Year Thoughts...

I have a little puny brain. I have a brain that cannot begin to comprehend how it is that 2009 has nearly ended and 2010 is here. I have a little brain that cannot comprehend that a decade has now past since I was sitting on the mall in Washington D.C, with Jennie, young and carefree and so excited about what the 2000s would hold. I have a little brain. A brain that cannot begin to comprehend all that has happened since that night, how much the world has changed, how much I have changed, how very much has happened.

***

In the tradition I have kept of saying both goodbye and hello to a new year, I have begun to look back at all that has happened in 2009 (a whole decade is much too much to comprehend). So many times I have posted pictures here of things that have happened… with the promise of more to come. I never post the more! So here is what I will never forget about 2009, in semi-chronological order… (sorry, a lot happened, its pretty wordy!)

***

Girl’s Chrysalis #47… a weekend that reminded me that I LOVE youth ministry, that I called to it, and that my passion for it (although it waivers) is as strong as ever. I learned that some things in life you just can’t deny. My calling to youth ministry is one of those things!

***

Winter Youth Retreat happened with hardly any snow, until a huge storm hit late Saturday night…. During which I realized that I have become one of THOSE youth pastors… the kind that thinks night sledding on a dark, icy hill is a GOOD idea and everyone survives, thus not learning ANY kind of lesson!

***

In Guatemala I held babies for a week. A week that forever changed my perspective about both missions and those who lead. I learned that I never want to be the kind of leader who leads by intimidation and condescending. I learned that my passion is to plug people into where they are called, not shove them into holes I have premade for them. I also learned that I LOVE GUATEMALA. I learned that holding babies for a week both soothes the soul and breaks the heart.

I learned that I am much more emotional than I like to admit.

***

Challenge Course Training where Carrie and I imparted to a new generation both a love for the trees and knowledge that if not used correctly could kill someone is where I learned that with leadership comes great responsibility. (and that the peanut butter milkshake is sorely underappreciated.)

***

This year’s trip to Brazil took me back to the place I love and call home. I met new friends and spent time with old ones. I learned the beautiful truth that you really can go home again and that absence really does make the heart fonder. I learned that old friends, who have loved you through the messes you make of yourself truly are the best. I learned that life is about loving, not always about letting go.

***

In Louisiana I nearly sweated the skin off my body… and learned that the church has much work to do, and that being the hands and feet of Christ comes with great responsibility. I learned to lead even when I was scared that I could not fulfill the job. I learned that tears don’t always fall when hearts are broken. I learned that being responsible for those around us and around the world is more than something we should say, but something we should live.

***

Just a few days after returning we buried a member of our youth group, a girl we loved, a girl we had prayed for without ceasing. In those dark, hard days I learned the value of simply loving, of living well, of learning to grieve and grow. I learned the heartache of losing someone far too soon and helping kids much too young to say goodbye. I learned the great responsibility of my job, of not only loving kids well but of introducing them to Jesus. I learned that time is precious and I can’t waste time waiting to tell them… for they are not guaranteed tomorrow.

***

I went to Vermont and saw the amazing Green Mountains. I helped my youth to serve a community very much in need that no one necessarily sees. I enjoyed beauty and ate ice cream. I looked for moose and ALMOST walked on the Appalachian Trail.

***

A few weeks later I returned again to Tar Hollow… a place I have long loved, where I have laughed,

cried, grown and changed… and realized that getting my way is not the most important thing… and that watching the meteor shower late at night on top of a slippery, cold roof on a cloudless August night is just as good for the soul as amazing preaching by a keynoter who became a friend.

***

I celebrated long and hard with Carrie and Ryan when they got married… and learned the beauty of loving friends and holding them tightly, but with an open hand.

I traveled to NYWC in Atlanta with Abby. A fitting end to our year of traveling together. We saw mountains, but not bears, ate ice cream, but didn’t drink much coffee, we walked on the Appalachian Trail at Clingman’s Dome… and heard amazing words spoken by those who inspire me. I also realized that my calling is all about passion not place, and my ministry is all about pushing not settling… and that its ok to do something new.

***

And so here I am in December. Through another ridiculous holiday where I remembered that even though my family is COMPLETELY insane, there really is no place like home.

***

I learned other things this year too… things about friendship and fellowship and life. I learned that I am ok with the idea of love and am ready to admit I am growing up. I learned that gray hairs are earned and even though I cover them up, I have enough to prove that I am doing important work. I learned that I may not have made it to Africa or Peru this year, but the life I have lived is meaningful and full… and I have learned to be patient until those days come. I have learned that sometimes living your dreams can’t happen on your own timing, but waiting for God’s timing is far more rewarding. I have learned that standing still and settling are two very different things and that God just might enjoy proving me wrong. I learned that I will no longer make promises and speak words with certainty, when I have no idea where God will lead me (or tell me to stay) next.

***

The new year is full of possibility… of unknown surprises and already planned adventures. As I prepare to ring in the New Year and new decade with people I didn’t even know that night in D.C, as I contemplate that that night contained some people (like Jennie) who I have lost completely, and others who have moved on to other places in life, it is hard to imagine starting a new one. It is my prayer and hope that when I ring in 2020 a decade from now that these people, from this night will be part of my life then too… along with so many amazing people who I already know and haven’t met yet. Life is unpredictable and uncertain. What God has for me in the new year and the new decade I am sure I cannot imagine. However, I know that I trust fully that it is in his hands. I will put it there each morning. I will place it before him… unlimited possibilities, an open heart to what is coming… and a willingness to let go of what holds me back. Those are my new decade resolutions!

***

Peace friends. Have a safe and amazing new year!

I am the worst blogger ever...

its true. I am terrible... none the less... here are some pics from the last week. real thoughts and mental notes coming soon... for now...

I went for a little hike on the Appalachian Trail in North Carolina... like, really little... however... now I have more of an obsession than ever... its a problem. I did figure out on this trip that hiking in TOMS, especially old worn out ones is really, really difficult!

Hiking in flip flops though? I am TOTALLY good at that. In Atlanta there were multiple comments about how fast I move in my havaianas... and I must say... if you've got the gift, embrace it!! Abby and I hiked in the Smokey Mountain National Park in our flip flops... good times. Butterfly in the park... Carly loves butterflies. A. LOT.

While in Atlanta for the National Youth Worker Convention, Abby and I went to the World of Coke... SO FUN... drank WAY too much soda... especially for someone who NEVER drinks regular soda and hardly ever drinks diet soda. Seriously... not feeling good for a while afterwards... but it was TOTALLY worth it! (Especially since our cushy hotel overlooking Olympic Park was just a block away... good times!)

Before Abby got to Atlanta it was just me hanging out with folks from Sidney. We went to Jamal's for dinner... BEST wings ever. EVER. SOSOOSOSOSOSOSO good... The first of many meals that led to the comment "Why do I do this to myself!" hahahahahahaaha!

And so it was... Atlanta for the convention, Kennesaw to buy TOMS, two REIs in Kennesaw and Asheville, NC, a day in the Smokey MOuntain National Park, a short walk on the AT, lots of ice cream- but not nearly enough, lots of good food, laughter and friends, one really stinky car, way too many pairs of shoes (especially since I only wore my white havaianas the whole time!) OH and inspirations from amazing speakers like Perry Noble and Donald Miller (AMAZING), good worship with the Crowder Band and the house band, and great insights from Walt Mueller, Jon Acuff, and many others.

A good week of travels, an annual tradition I have learned to love.

More thoughts to come....