It is so weird....

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see Brazil.  Its so weird.  I find myself thinking so much about Brazil lately.  Most likely because I just got home and therefore it is on the top of my mind a lot.  Its also on the top of my laundry pile, but whatever! 

Really though, I can't begin to explain how beautiful my time in Brazil was... the beauty that is that place and the people who live there.  I can't begin to put into words the gift it was to have amazing opportunities to sit and talk and share my heart with Vanessa and Dewey and Chad and Laurie and so many others.  I was so blessed this trip to get to really spend time with people who I have dearly missed that I haven't had as much time to visit with in past trips. 

Yesterday I walked in to my bedroom and I could SMELL Brazil.  It was so weird.  I stood in front of the window on my last night in Brazil and just BREATHED.  It sounds weird, and if you have spent any time there, you also know it doesn't ALWAYS smell very nice... but it did right then.  Nothing spectacular or special... just the SMELL of Brazil.  I breathed it in so deeply.  I am so thankful.  I've thought so much about BREATHING deeply lately, really treasuring the beauty of life.  Walking into the shambles that is my room right now, I smelled Brazil and it was AMAZING.  Given, it was likely because my duffles are still sitting there and they are full of some unwashed clothes.  But how amazing it is to be suddenly reminded of the beauty of Brazil and in that instant also reminded of the amazing gift of friendship.

I wish I could express to those lovelies the beauty their friendship is in my life.  I can't, but I wish I could.
Maybe I'm just weird.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see Antigua and those beautiful little kiddies in Hermano Pedro.  Its so weird.  I haven't been there in 2 years.  Two very long years.  Yet I can see Brenda and all her friends in their beds and I wish I could be there to love them and hug them.  Maybe I can't hug them all, but certainly I could hug those little ones.

I can sometimes picture myself walking through Antigua and falling in love with Guatemala and FREAKING OUT because that might mean I wouldn't love Brazil as much.  Yet fall in love with it I did.  And even though I haven't been back, I still see myself there.  I'm weird.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see Barahona and the beautiful sunset from the top of the guest house.  Its so weird.  It could be because in just a few short days I WILL be watching the sunset from there... sharing the beauty and heartbreak that is that place with my lovely youthies.  Yet I haven't been there in almost 2 years either... but I can still see myself there.  It's so weird.  I love all that Barahona and the Dominican Republic mean in my heart.  I love the possibility of there and the things that I can't wait to share with my kids.  I love that in that place, even though I can't fix the whole world, I can help to put some cement in a house and maybe fix a small part of someone's world.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see a crazy dog that lives at my house and growls at me when I try to get out of bed (that's my excuse for not getting up on time EVER and I'm stickin with it.)  Its so weird.  I love home and my dogs and usually my family.  I love the holidays and the chance to just be inside where it is warm and gluttonously (is that a word?) eat and remember the beauty of home, even though I don't stay there very often.  I am so blessed... and weird, let's just be honest.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see mountains stretching out before me.  It's so weird.  I have this burning desire ALWAYS within me to hike over mountains and sleep in tents and just BE.  I want so badly that simplicity... but I know that the world is complicated and hard and to just BE isn't always possible.  But that's what I want more than anything.  I want to spend some time just BEING so that I can give more fully to others.  A break, if you will. But, I may have mentioned... I'm weird.

I spent time in Brazil talking with an amazing friend.  He's someone that I value much more than he is probably aware of.  He is someone that I miss so much more than he knows because even when he doesn't know it he is always challenging me to BE bigger... to BE better... to LIVE.  He probably doesn't know that... because I'm weird and can't put things like that into accurate descriptive phrases, but its TRUE.  We were driving one night at the beach and he told me that I can't fix EVERYTHING that is wrong in the world, and I told him that I know that, but that I Really, really, really want to TRY... and he just smiled.  In his head he was probably remembering that I am WEIRD... but I like to imagine he was thinking... if anybody would believe they could, I would.  Because see, that makes it mean more, that someone else agrees.  See... I have conversations with my head.  BECAUSE I AM WEIRD!

My life is so many collages of things and people and places.  SO many blessings fill my head on a daily basis.  So many things I have done and people I have met... and so many places and people yet to encounter.  SO many crazy dreams and plans.  SO very much to do.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see the future... and its both scary and bright.  I am blessed.

i don't wanna go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As my time in Brazil winds down i am dreading more and more the trip home.  Not the plane flight or cranky holiday travelers.  Not the long overnight or the extreme exhaustion.  Not the lack of sun or warm weather back in Ohio... but leaving this place.

This trip more than any other I have forgotten that I don't actually LIVE here.  I don't actually belong here.  In so many ways I have lived this trip (except for afternoons in the hammock) like this is my home.  So odd.  It's so odd that its not home,but it feels like it is.  It's so odd that I don't belong here, but feel 100% like I do.  So odd.

So, tomorrow I guess I will head home.  Again.  To the land of snow and cold temps.  I will return warm, tanned, and rested *plus sporting some extra Brazil pounds from the mass quantities of food I've consumed*, but also more peaceful, and more confused.

How I love Brazil.  When I tell people that if God called me back I would come, I'm not kidding at all.  I'm not sure I am ready to move back, to give up some of the things that I still hope for, but I would do it in a heartbeat if I knew I was supposed to be here.

I love Brazil.  I'll miss it so very much.  I can't believe I have to go home.  Dumb job... why do I have to have one of those?! ?!!!

But I love Ohio too.  I can't wait to hug my fam and see the pups and mess with the youth.  I love my job and my home and my life.  I love the gifts God has given me and the places he has led me to.

What a blessing.  To know that if I stay in Ohio or come back here, if I live in Idaho or China or anywhere in between that God has blessed and led and I have followed... that is all I seek.  I am so richly blessed to have two amazing homes, in two very different places, with very different people.  Two places that I love and cherish.  I will miss Brazil so very much.  I am so sad to see it be over... but I know it is always here and I will live thankful for the time I have been given.

I am blessed!!!

34... how did that happen?!

Whoa.  Today is my 34th birthday.  HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Birthdays don't scare me or embarass me or bother me or anything... its just that sometimes I can't believe how quickly the years have gone and how much older I have gotten.

The above picture is from a recent campout at Indian Lake with some lovely girls that I spend time with talking, reading, praying, and seeking God.  And laughing.  So very much laughing.  They are amazing.  A year ago I only knew one of them (Abby- in the red) and I really only knew her marginally, from camp.  CRAZY.  These girls are such a great part of my life that I can't imagine I didn't know them a year ago... what did I do without them?!  So in honor of these lovely ladies, I thought I would write a little "I appreciate, I miss" list in honor of my birthday, another year of living this amazing and blessed life!

SO, I appreciate:
1.  Friends- I have amazing friends that I certainly don't deserve who love me in spite of my ridiculous tendency to be late, uncommunicative, busy, and unable to find my phone.  I love them because they inspire, challenge, encourage, and amuse me.  They don't judge me by the fact that even though I am 34 I act like I am 12, I am easily distracted, I forget to reply to e-mails, and I constantly tempt them with sweet treats.  I love my friends.  I love them more every day.  I wish I could convey to them how very important they are to me... but since i can't I will just say I appreciate them.

2.  Family- I have a ridiculous family.  Seriously.  They often annoy the be-jeezus out of me.  Sometimes I can't stand to be in the same room with them.  But really, I love them.  I love their ridiculousness, I love their babies (which I know are my family too, but I'm just sayin).  I love that they let me feed their children sugar, tell them white lies, and generally serve as their crazy aunt.  I love that my parents don't even mind a bit that I am just me, and don't expect me to be anyone else.  I love that my siblings and I are so very different and yet they allow me to be me (not without some judgements) with the craziness associated with it.

3.  My youth-  I have never encountered a group of people that I worry so much about.  NOt because they are going to do bad things (most of the time) but because they are INSANE and want to do things like make zombie movies in church- and are DEAD SERIOUS about gettin it done.  I love those kids.  Man, they are RIDICULOUS.  But I appreciate them and their willingness to stretch and see where God may lead us.

4.  Traveling-  I've gotten to travel so much this year and I have appreciated it so much.  So very many people that I have gotten to spend time with and enjoy the company of.  And as the clock ticks towards my inpending trips to Nashville, Brazil, and the Dominican Republic I appreciate my freedom to travel and the fact that I live a life that affords me such joys.

5.  My dogs.  Seriously.  I'm a dog lover.  Nellie and Shea are my loves.  If I could get one more pup (its always just one more) I would have a Hugo and feel complete.  Bur really I appreciate those pups and their unconditional love more than I can express.

6.  My life- I am so blessed.  Beyond measure or reason really.  No one should get to live THIS amazing of a life.  I am SO. BLESSED.

I miss...
1.  My friends in Brazil and other far off places.  Like Indiana.  Seriously.  What a blessing it is to have such amazing friends.  Now, if you could all just move into my basement so I can see you every day that would be great.  HOpe you like dogs!  =)  Seriously though.  I miss them for the things they taught me, the life they encourage me to live and the unconditional love they surround me with.  Blessings.

2.  When I cared.  I used to care about things like cute shoes and brushing my hair.  Now I really don't.  I don't think that is a bad thing at all... it kinda fits my free spirit a little better anyway, but I do miss that Carly that was more put together... gahhhh.  I'm a mess!

3.  My sanity and sleep.  Two things I have given up in favor of living this crazy life.  I wouldn't trade one for the other, I just miss sanity.

4.  My brown hair... or red... or blonde... whatever color it was before it started going so gray.  Seriously.

5.  The good old days.  But then, who doesn't?!

WHat an amazing and blessed life I live.  Really truly.  I am so thankful for 34 years and can't wait to see what the next 34 have in store.  AHHHHHHHH!

It's 3:00 on Monday afternoon.  Outside it is rainy and chilly, but I can't see that because I don't have a window in my office... (ho hum, poor me!).  No one else is in the office and it is quite and peaceful.  I don't know where everyone else is... that used to bother me a lot.  Why do I have to work when they don't?!  But now I'm good with it.  Good with quiet and peace and getting things done (or not!).  I'm good with it.

Today I get to sit at my desk and eat my EasyMac (gross and good all at once!)... and think... and be peaceful.  I had such a long strange weekend.  From coffee and dinner with wonderful friends on Friday night to a long, wet, cold day in the trees at the Challenge Course on Saturday to a long day of church and meetings and dinner and FaithWeavers on Sunday... I am blessed, but its also good to be quiet.

So, I will sit and enjoy my mac n cheese... I will proofread more curriculum... I will probably watch the Amazing Race on my laptop... and eventually I will wander home to hug my dogs and proofread some more.

So many things and adventures and possibilities and stresses and travels and overwhelming things and blessings all loom on the horizon... yet here I am...today, enjoying this quiet office (if the phone would stop ringing!)... and remembering that I am blessed and loved and today, there is peace... no matter what tomorrow brings.

This weekend Abby and I, along with Aaron and Derick traveled to Rochester, NY for the wedding of our great friends from camp Anna and Elliot.  Seriously.  It was the oddest weekend of my entire life. 

First, we went to Canada... you know, as you do.  It was just at Niagara Falls, but still.  I have been to RUSSIA and I have never been to Canada. 

Oh Canada...

there is a reason that is their national anthem... I'm just sayin, it was an odd day. 

(Although shout out to the parking attendant who let us know where we could find parking for FREE instead of paying $18... she ROCKS.)  We looked at the waterfalls, we ate, we walked and walked, we saw fireworks over the falls... then we had an odd discussion with a border patrol guy... then I almost threw up (unrelated to the border patrol), then we went to Rochester. 

It was nearly midnight when we got there.  We thought the ridiculousness had ended, but no... there was a crazy scene at the hotel with the National Barbershop Quartet Competition... no, seriously.  It was so odd.

Saturday involved Target, ihop, Starbucks, High Falls, and Lake Ontario... oh, and a wedding!  (Amazing worship at that wedding... AMAZING.).  Then it was on to the reception where Abby and I proved that we should probably not be let out in public too often... =)

Sunday we had breakfast with a dear friend and then returned to Ohio.

A weekend of celebration, love, oddness, little sleep, and now... lingering illness for all involved.  I want to call it a hangover cold, because we all got colds because we were all together,... but that doesn't sound quite right... so, none the less.

YAY for Anna and Elliot.

YAY for Rochester.

BOO for sickness!  =)

Summer is over... fall is coming (although it doesn't feel like it yet).

Abby and I have gotten into the most random habit this summer. We have begun to take pictures of our flip flops and coffee mugs.  We are so random.. and yet these photos mean something much deeper to me than what I imagine she knows.

Some see the lake in the morning with random things on the beach.

I see something completely else...

I see the beauty of friendship that is easy and fun, but also deep and meaningful.

I see adventures and excitement, but also journeys to the hard places.

I see the simplicity of coffee in the morning with a friend, waking up to the amazing possibility of what the day may hold.

I see the edge of the lake (or occasionally the ocean) and the true blessing of friends who will walk with you to the edge and hold your hand while you take the next, scary, unknown step.

My friendship with Abbs is a blessing to me and a challenge as well. 

Beyond her I am blessed with other amazing friends and family and co-workers and youth who challenge me in the same ways and grow in me a desire to live a much bigger and more meaningful life... all the while being true to my calling to be exactly who I am.  I am so undeserving and grateful all at once!

I am here.  I am blessed.  I am EXHAUSTED from my summer.

Recap coming soon!!

I love Summer.  Summer is ridiculous and unpredicatble and lazy and beautiful.

Summer is full of friends and adventures and warm nights around the campfire.

My summer is almost always full of travels, sleeping bags, and crazy experiences.

I love me some summer.

Soon I have much to say about the past 7 weeks... and the weeks still to come. 

For today... a family pic... minus my older sister, when we went to Chris's graduation from his residency in South Carolina.

Yup.  I wore a dress AND brushed my hair.  Miracles happen, even in summer.

More to come...