Wandering on purpose

I don't listen to too much Christian music... just bein honest here... its a struggle sometimes.  Especially with the strong, opinionated feelings I have towards a certain nationwide Christian music radio station... but whatevs.  Anyhow... there are a few Christian artists that I listen to.  I'm picky, I admit.  I hate cheesy-ness... and I hate quaint little notions about perfection and joy... ok, I have issues.

None the less.  I love me some JJ Heller.  Seriously.  I love honesty and I am a big fan of simplicity and I feel like a lot of her music speaks to where I am in life.

As I approach these next 2 days, there is so very much that I need to do, to put together, and work through.  My to-do list seems overwhelming, my motivation is lacking, and the time is slipping away.  In so many ways I am headed to where I am SO ready to be, but in many other ways I am headed to the unknown and it scares the bejeezus out of me.  I feel kind of like I am on a high speed train, headed for a brick wall stop... I see it coming, but I can't get off... I sometimes wonder why I chose this... why I am headed down this path, right now... why at all? 

Yet I know the truth is that this is the ONLY place for me to go... that this is the RIGHT time for it to happen... and as scary and lonely and unknown as it is... God is walking with me now and will meet me right there.  This was supposed to feel good and peaceful and happy and right... and instead it is intimidating and scary and overwhelming.

Friday morning this train is coming to a full and complete stop.  Like it or not.

JJ Heller rocks my world.  Her CD is on a continuous rotation in my car (with my Alathea CD- love those girls too!) and this song speaks to my heart today...

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Am I in some fragile state?  Some tragedy has befallen me?  No.  Not at all... I am in a good place... its just a scary place too.  I'm ready and afraid all at once.  Maybe I am most scared of what I will find (or won't find) when I stop and look deep inside.  Truly.

Thanks JJ for singing my heart.  2 days and counting...