I don't listen to too much Christian music... just bein honest here... its a struggle sometimes.  Especially with the strong, opinionated feelings I have towards a certain nationwide Christian music radio station... but whatevs.  Anyhow... there are a few Christian artists that I listen to.  I'm picky, I admit.  I hate cheesy-ness... and I hate quaint little notions about perfection and joy... ok, I have issues.

None the less.  I love me some JJ Heller.  Seriously.  I love honesty and I am a big fan of simplicity and I feel like a lot of her music speaks to where I am in life.

As I approach these next 2 days, there is so very much that I need to do, to put together, and work through.  My to-do list seems overwhelming, my motivation is lacking, and the time is slipping away.  In so many ways I am headed to where I am SO ready to be, but in many other ways I am headed to the unknown and it scares the bejeezus out of me.  I feel kind of like I am on a high speed train, headed for a brick wall stop... I see it coming, but I can't get off... I sometimes wonder why I chose this... why I am headed down this path, right now... why at all? 

Yet I know the truth is that this is the ONLY place for me to go... that this is the RIGHT time for it to happen... and as scary and lonely and unknown as it is... God is walking with me now and will meet me right there.  This was supposed to feel good and peaceful and happy and right... and instead it is intimidating and scary and overwhelming.

Friday morning this train is coming to a full and complete stop.  Like it or not.

JJ Heller rocks my world.  Her CD is on a continuous rotation in my car (with my Alathea CD- love those girls too!) and this song speaks to my heart today...

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Am I in some fragile state?  Some tragedy has befallen me?  No.  Not at all... I am in a good place... its just a scary place too.  I'm ready and afraid all at once.  Maybe I am most scared of what I will find (or won't find) when I stop and look deep inside.  Truly.

Thanks JJ for singing my heart.  2 days and counting...

life

There is a blog I read occasionally.  I think I read it just to annoy myself.  I mean, it has great pictures, which I love.  I am always amazed by great photography.  I wish I was a good photographer.  I think I have an eye for it... just not the patience.  Anyhoo, I read it and it annoys me.  Maybe because it is all happiness and joy.  It appears that her life is all fairy dust and beautiful days chilling at the beach.  I mean, I realize that she probably only posts the good stuff... but every day?  Perfect days with perfect children and baking and smiling and greatness.  I realize she is only putting out good... and I guess I can't blame her for it.  It's just annoying.

Maybe its because I wish my life was a little more like that.  You know, sunshine and beautiful beach days, and laughter and joy.  I wish I could just be home and be creative and have perfection everywhere I look.

But I don't.

Today I am in the office.  It is going to be a sunny, beautiful 65 degrees today.  I am in my windowless office... which is made even worse by the fact that none of the windows in this part of the building open, so its just old, stagnant air.

Yet, the sun IS shining and the day WILL be beautiful. 

I have a GREAT job that is a PERFECT fit for me.

I have AMAZING friends and SUPPORTIVE, LOVING parents.

I have a warm house to live in and CRAZY but WONDERFUL dogs to keep me company.

I live in a place that has four DRAMATIC seasons (sometimes in the same day).

I also have a "second home" in a place that is PEACEFUL and CHALLENGING.

I get to travel to AMAZING places and I know INSPIRING people.

I laugh a LOT and have people who challenge me to THINK and LIVE bigger.

I am blessed beyond measure.

I am loved.

Yesterday, after reading this person's perfect life blog I was driving home and saw this....

Maybe my sunsets these days have a bit of construction in the view... but they are perfect none the less.

I think I will always want MORE.  That's really the nature of life right? To always want more than what you have.  Yet, I am really trying more and more to appreciate what I have right now.  TO really remember that I am blessed in what I have and be content with the blessings that surround me.

I think a lot about Japan these days... and Haiti... and New Zealand, as they suffer so many tragedies.  Here I am, with my daily struggles... which seem so insignificant in comparison.  But God is using them to change and challenge and grow me.  I am blessed.  I need to stop, look at the sunset, and appreciate life more.

I am blessed.  My life isn't all fairy dust and perfect days... but it is perfect for ME.