It is so weird....

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see Brazil.  Its so weird.  I find myself thinking so much about Brazil lately.  Most likely because I just got home and therefore it is on the top of my mind a lot.  Its also on the top of my laundry pile, but whatever! 

Really though, I can't begin to explain how beautiful my time in Brazil was... the beauty that is that place and the people who live there.  I can't begin to put into words the gift it was to have amazing opportunities to sit and talk and share my heart with Vanessa and Dewey and Chad and Laurie and so many others.  I was so blessed this trip to get to really spend time with people who I have dearly missed that I haven't had as much time to visit with in past trips. 

Yesterday I walked in to my bedroom and I could SMELL Brazil.  It was so weird.  I stood in front of the window on my last night in Brazil and just BREATHED.  It sounds weird, and if you have spent any time there, you also know it doesn't ALWAYS smell very nice... but it did right then.  Nothing spectacular or special... just the SMELL of Brazil.  I breathed it in so deeply.  I am so thankful.  I've thought so much about BREATHING deeply lately, really treasuring the beauty of life.  Walking into the shambles that is my room right now, I smelled Brazil and it was AMAZING.  Given, it was likely because my duffles are still sitting there and they are full of some unwashed clothes.  But how amazing it is to be suddenly reminded of the beauty of Brazil and in that instant also reminded of the amazing gift of friendship.

I wish I could express to those lovelies the beauty their friendship is in my life.  I can't, but I wish I could.
Maybe I'm just weird.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see Antigua and those beautiful little kiddies in Hermano Pedro.  Its so weird.  I haven't been there in 2 years.  Two very long years.  Yet I can see Brenda and all her friends in their beds and I wish I could be there to love them and hug them.  Maybe I can't hug them all, but certainly I could hug those little ones.

I can sometimes picture myself walking through Antigua and falling in love with Guatemala and FREAKING OUT because that might mean I wouldn't love Brazil as much.  Yet fall in love with it I did.  And even though I haven't been back, I still see myself there.  I'm weird.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see Barahona and the beautiful sunset from the top of the guest house.  Its so weird.  It could be because in just a few short days I WILL be watching the sunset from there... sharing the beauty and heartbreak that is that place with my lovely youthies.  Yet I haven't been there in almost 2 years either... but I can still see myself there.  It's so weird.  I love all that Barahona and the Dominican Republic mean in my heart.  I love the possibility of there and the things that I can't wait to share with my kids.  I love that in that place, even though I can't fix the whole world, I can help to put some cement in a house and maybe fix a small part of someone's world.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see a crazy dog that lives at my house and growls at me when I try to get out of bed (that's my excuse for not getting up on time EVER and I'm stickin with it.)  Its so weird.  I love home and my dogs and usually my family.  I love the holidays and the chance to just be inside where it is warm and gluttonously (is that a word?) eat and remember the beauty of home, even though I don't stay there very often.  I am so blessed... and weird, let's just be honest.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see mountains stretching out before me.  It's so weird.  I have this burning desire ALWAYS within me to hike over mountains and sleep in tents and just BE.  I want so badly that simplicity... but I know that the world is complicated and hard and to just BE isn't always possible.  But that's what I want more than anything.  I want to spend some time just BEING so that I can give more fully to others.  A break, if you will. But, I may have mentioned... I'm weird.

I spent time in Brazil talking with an amazing friend.  He's someone that I value much more than he is probably aware of.  He is someone that I miss so much more than he knows because even when he doesn't know it he is always challenging me to BE bigger... to BE better... to LIVE.  He probably doesn't know that... because I'm weird and can't put things like that into accurate descriptive phrases, but its TRUE.  We were driving one night at the beach and he told me that I can't fix EVERYTHING that is wrong in the world, and I told him that I know that, but that I Really, really, really want to TRY... and he just smiled.  In his head he was probably remembering that I am WEIRD... but I like to imagine he was thinking... if anybody would believe they could, I would.  Because see, that makes it mean more, that someone else agrees.  See... I have conversations with my head.  BECAUSE I AM WEIRD!

My life is so many collages of things and people and places.  SO many blessings fill my head on a daily basis.  So many things I have done and people I have met... and so many places and people yet to encounter.  SO many crazy dreams and plans.  SO very much to do.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see the future... and its both scary and bright.  I am blessed.

i don't wanna go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As my time in Brazil winds down i am dreading more and more the trip home.  Not the plane flight or cranky holiday travelers.  Not the long overnight or the extreme exhaustion.  Not the lack of sun or warm weather back in Ohio... but leaving this place.

This trip more than any other I have forgotten that I don't actually LIVE here.  I don't actually belong here.  In so many ways I have lived this trip (except for afternoons in the hammock) like this is my home.  So odd.  It's so odd that its not home,but it feels like it is.  It's so odd that I don't belong here, but feel 100% like I do.  So odd.

So, tomorrow I guess I will head home.  Again.  To the land of snow and cold temps.  I will return warm, tanned, and rested *plus sporting some extra Brazil pounds from the mass quantities of food I've consumed*, but also more peaceful, and more confused.

How I love Brazil.  When I tell people that if God called me back I would come, I'm not kidding at all.  I'm not sure I am ready to move back, to give up some of the things that I still hope for, but I would do it in a heartbeat if I knew I was supposed to be here.

I love Brazil.  I'll miss it so very much.  I can't believe I have to go home.  Dumb job... why do I have to have one of those?! ?!!!

But I love Ohio too.  I can't wait to hug my fam and see the pups and mess with the youth.  I love my job and my home and my life.  I love the gifts God has given me and the places he has led me to.

What a blessing.  To know that if I stay in Ohio or come back here, if I live in Idaho or China or anywhere in between that God has blessed and led and I have followed... that is all I seek.  I am so richly blessed to have two amazing homes, in two very different places, with very different people.  Two places that I love and cherish.  I will miss Brazil so very much.  I am so sad to see it be over... but I know it is always here and I will live thankful for the time I have been given.

I am blessed!!!